e: My hands hurt from doing the dishes.
me: You're such a delicate flower.
e: How does it feel?
me: How does what feel?
e: Being punched in the face by a delicate flower?

me: Who loves you?
e: Megatron.

me: It's my birthday soon. You'd better get me something pretty.
e: I'll get ME something pretty, and you can play with it.

"Why are people always stealing my ideas? Like penis in vagina sex. MY IDEA."

e: I want popcorn.
me: You could eat a can of chick peas.
e: Wow! I could also eat the carpet!

e: I'd get a bunny if they weren't so stupid.
me: They're brilliant!
e: They chew extenstion cords!
me: So do you!
e: Yeah, but for me it's a religious obligation.
me: What religion is that?
e: I'm not allowed to tell outsiders.
me: How do you know I'm not a member?
e: Obviously, you'd be chewing extension cords.

"It's a rule of the world that naked girls have to do what men wearing clothes say."

me: Can I call Queer Eye For The Straight Guy to give you a makeover?
e: What could they possibly change? I'm COMPLETELY FABULOUS.

"There's some pretty deal-breaking snatch out there."

me: Your fly is open.
e: I'M ADVERTISING.

After sneaking up behind me and kissing me:

me: What was that for?
e: It's a French sign of loathing.

While watching a commercial for pickup trucks:

"Buy this truck and PUNCH MOTHER NATURE IN THE FACE."

While E was playing Civilization 4 I decided to go to the store. He asked if I would bring him back something, I said no, and he said:

"And I was just going to name this city I conquered after you. I guess I'll have to call it Bitchburg."

On his hair.

"Smells like dinosaurs!"

me: I'd kick Martha Stewart's ass at Scrabble.
e: She probably cheats.

me: What do you think famous dogs eat?
e: Smaller dogs.

e: I want a three pronged stick so I can do laundry three times as fast.
me: But you'll only be able to wash little squares of cloth.
e: You obviously don't understand math.

e: You know, teddy bears and robots are mortal enemies.
me: Really. Since when.
e: It's been a few years now.