re you tired of waiting around for the return of your messiah?
Too many rules and commandments got you down?
Frustrated trying to match your magic underwear to your Reebok cross-trainers?

For just the low, low price of $50, the Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi will insure your place in the afterlife of your choice!

See, death is all paperwork. It’s a lot of filing, background checks and forms, all filled out in triplicate to make sure your soul gets the treatment it expects and deserves.

And we’ve got them all!

Catholic heaven? Yep!
Lutheran heaven? You betcha!
Mormon? Episcopalian? Snake handler? Yes! Yes! And yes!
Jews? Absolutely.
Satanist? New condos available with lake-of-fire views!
Spaceship behind a comet? Window seat or aisle?

The Church of the Apocalyptic Kiwi.
We know people who know people so you don’t have to.