After helping countless couples rescue relationships that appear to be unsalvageable, family therapist Terrence Real has a different view: "You've got to duke it out with your partner and help them rise to the occasion." For him, that is the most important of the new rules of relationships.

We need new rules because we desperately want a new kind of relationship. Our parents may have been content with a companionable marriage, but we want a mate who's a lifelong lover as well as a companion. Unfortunately, neither men nor women have sophisticated enough skills to deliver on the twenty-first century relationship.

If we stick to doing what comes naturally, two out of four couples will divorce and one of the remaining two will stay married but miserable.

Hot couples, says Real, need cool skills. First they need to know how to handle themselves when their buttons get pushed. "There are lots of circuit-breakers for when you lose it," says Real. You can breathe deeply and take time out. "But you need to understand that 'losing it' is a choice."

In his new book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work, Real identifies five winning strategies.