A LIFE of po-faced self-denial and thinking that animals are people can reduce the risk of cancer, doctors have claimed.

You'll hurt its feelings

Research shows a point blank refusal to give in to your base instincts and just kill a pig can add anything up to four cabbage filled years to your self-satisfied existence.

The latest study comes as the British Medical Association grouped tumours of the bowel, liver and lung into a new category known as the 'fun cancers'.

A BMA spokesman said: "Anyone who gets the hat-trick has been living life like George Best in an all-you-can-eat steak-brothel, strapped to a crack pipe."

Research showed that exciting sex, fast cars and watching films with explosions can also curtail life expectancy.

The spokesman added: "Anything more thrilling than Songs Of Praise will sprout tumours like mould on a week-old loaf."